I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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