they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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