There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
