She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
