Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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