Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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