Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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