I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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