I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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