i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
