i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
