You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
