just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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