my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Oh god it's open bar.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
