I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
