if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize