I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
