I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
