oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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