i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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