come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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