I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
