Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
there is puke in my bra ... again
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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