Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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