The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
