my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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