i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
