When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
