Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
