I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
