I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
