maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
