Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
