nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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