If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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