hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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