I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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