Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
