I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
