I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
