I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
splinters make it hard to masturbate
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
