I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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