You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
