im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
