i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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