i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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