I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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