its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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