i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize