My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
