dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
