i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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