can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My pussy is not your playground.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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