god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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