I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
