Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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