I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
