I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
