Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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