If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
