Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
