My liver just broke up with me...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize